Trapped Right Where I Want To Be

As a recent mom of two I have to say there are two emotions that I wish I could say goodbye to. My son will be 4 at the end of the month and my daughter is almost 2 months old. Of course I feel love and joy and complete, all the things I am supposed to feel. However I also feel trapped and guilty. A lot.

As I have been talking with some of my other mom friends I am finding that a lot of us feel these emotions. If you haven’t had them please comment, write me and share what you are doing right. If you too suffer from the annoying cycle of trapped and guilt, welcome to the club.

I have been trying to figure out what I can do to alleviate some of this. I started to question why trapped? The guilt is not new to me so it seemed easier to understand. Let’s take a look at this trapped feeling.

I am a stay at home mom. This is where I want to be and I am with the people I want to be with. I am not in a job I hate or dealing with annoying co-workers. However, my day is often filled with annoying things.




I am pumping almost exclusively. Which means I spend about 20-30 minutes attached to a machine six times a day. This means that overnight I lost about three hours of my day. Now my point is not the work or the discomfort or to complain. It is simply to say I feel trapped in my attachment to this machine.

I try to stay on top of the cleaning, laundry and groceries and I am finding it to be increasingly difficult. One of my children seems to need my attention or help every second of the day. My son has recently stopped napping. I know I should be grateful it lasted this long. I am. Today I do not feel grateful for what was, I am tired because of what is. I want to clean or cook or do the laundry all by myself. It’s hard to keep them occupied while accomplishing the chores I need to. It makes me feel incapable and trapped.

Getting out of the house with multiple children, timing it between naps and pumping and meal times…It’s really hard. I am struggling to get it right. It makes simple things like the post office or dry cleaning take four times as long as they should. It is depressing to me to look at my day and realize it took hours to accomplish what I could do on my own in 45 minutes. Again, trapped.

Hey Mom, you'll enjoy these too!

I read an article recently about a study on mice published in the journal of Brain, Structure and Function. It tested the effects of different sounds on the brains of the mice. The control group was exposed to silence. The study found, “when the mice were exposed to two hours of silence per day they developed new cells in the hippocampus. The hippocampus is a region of the brain associated with memory, emotion and learning.”

The article went onto say that silence relieves stress and tension. It said that “noise can have a pronounced physical effect on our brains resulting in elevated levels of stress hormones.” Somehow this gave me comfort.




I wasn’t crazy or ungrateful that I get to stay home. I was actually having a scientifically explained hormonal reaction to the CONSTANT noise in my life. The constant need of a toddler and an infant.

It is stressful and tiring. Feeling “trapped” is the way I lumped together a lot of the emotions I am feeling. I explained this to my husband and told him I needed to run a few errands alone that weekend. It felt amazing. I grocery shopped and bought the decorations for my son’s birthday. My parents watched our children so we could have a date. It was wonderful.

I gave myself the gift of understanding why I feel trapped sometimes and it helped me let go of some of the guilt I felt too. I don’t need to feel bad for taking a break from all of the noise in my life. It is good for my brain, good for my emotions, and, as it turns out, good for my family too.

 


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Everyday Mom Lee
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31 Comments

  • robin rue July 05, 2017 07.08 pm

    It is definitely not easy being a stay at home mom, but I would never want to do anything else. It’s worth everything to me.

    Reply 
  • Tiffany Staples July 05, 2017 08.50 pm

    I remember feeling this same way! I hated it when people would say, “this too shall pass,” but of course, they were right! Hang in there – being a stay at home mom is great, but it’s not for the faint at heart! You can do it mama!

    Reply 
  • theclutterboxblog July 05, 2017 09.45 pm

    I am not a Mom but recently all my friends had babies and I have slowly watched them all become so overwhelmed. It’s hard having kids and there’s so much pressure to be pinterest worthy every second of the day. But what’s really important is those kids and your mental health.

    Reply 
  • Marcie July 05, 2017 10.32 pm

    That’s so interesting about growing more brain cells with a few hours of silence. I have a 3.5yo and 9mo and our days are so loud and my brain is constantly processing the noises. I find that on the rare occasions where I’m driving by myself, I usually choose silence instead of music.

    Reply 
  • Andrea July 05, 2017 11.23 pm

    this is a very interesting topic. while i am not a mom and would not understand this i will say that i hear my friends with kids saying this all the time and they have told me that music and also some treats here and there anything from a good chocolate box or watching a movie.

    Reply 
  • Angel July 06, 2017 12.13 am

    Being a SAHm is so hard! And I definitely agree that we need quiet to reduce stress

    Reply 
  • kim July 06, 2017 01.24 am

    It isn’t easy being a stay at home Mom, but I love it. Summer is the hardest since the kids are home. I do feel anxious at times.

    Reply 
  • Crystal Green July 06, 2017 01.24 am

    This is something that many mothers go through. I know I did! I can say it will pass, but it felt like forever for me. (In fact, it has just now started to slow down for me.)
    I think this took a lot of guts to post this for the whole world to read. Yet, I also think MANY women need to hear they are not alone with this problem.

    Reply 
  • Cassie July 06, 2017 01.43 am

    I’m not yet a mother but I know how busy stay at home mums are and I admire them!! I’m glad you found a way to centre yourself if you are having feelings of being trapped and also losing the guilt – too much pressure on ourselves sometimes and all that matters is that everyones happy and healthy. The rest can wait!

    Reply 
  • Terri Steffes July 06, 2017 02.52 am

    I admire a person who can do the work of a stay at home mom. I did it for about six months and I wasn’t cut out for it. I do believe it is a wonderful option for both mom and baby!

    Reply 
  • Rhian Westbury July 06, 2017 09.13 am

    These feelings are completely natural and I know some of my friends who have kids can feel this way sometimes x

    Reply 
  • April Kitchens July 06, 2017 12.05 pm

    Girl… I feel you!!! I was at this point about 3 years ago, but I feel a lot more satisfied now. My daughter is almost 4 and things are so much more easier.

    Reply 
  • Blythe Alpern July 06, 2017 03.26 pm

    It’s not easy being a mom, especially one that stays at home. You are constantly needed and don’t really get to enjoy time to yourself, which is something we all need.

    Reply 
  • Anna Strazi Thompson July 06, 2017 04.54 pm

    Such a good read! Thank you for opening up and sharing your feelings. Pumping is the worst and I completely understand how you feel. I had similar feelings when I was on maternity leave and sometimes throughout my summer break. It is so important to make quiet alone time for yourself to refuel! Keep rocking it momma!

    Reply 
  • bitsandbiteswithava July 06, 2017 04.59 pm

    I don’t think Ive ever really felt trapped. I am so happy being home with my kids, working on my career from home, making my family money and having family time anytime I want it! – Jeanine

    Reply 
  • Kristina July 06, 2017 06.53 pm

    I enjoy being home with my kids. I think it’s important for those that are at home to plan ME time and also get out of the house by yourself every once in a while.

    Reply 
  • Nicole Shillings July 06, 2017 07.43 pm

    This is a wonderful article that I am going to pass on to some of my mom friends. This is a frequent conversation that we have. As I have no children, I can only imagine and dichotomy of these feelings.

    Reply 
  • Becky July 06, 2017 08.22 pm

    Great read and good reminder to all to help young mom’s if they need a break every now & then!! Well said ?

    Reply 
  • thekusilife July 06, 2017 09.21 pm

    You are amazing to keep up the pumping! I had to exclusively pump with my son who was a premie – he was losing too many calories while eating and pumping was the best option. It was exhausting! I only lasted about 8 weeks and told the husband I was done – it was either breast milk or my sanity – I guess I should have tried to get out of the house alone to see if that helped. That study was interesting! Good job mama on making sure you get some time for yourself! WE NEED IT!!

    Reply 
  • Jasmine – LoveLifeLaughMotherhood July 06, 2017 09.24 pm

    love your perspective-as a SAHM for two years now, I can relate to silence

    Reply 
  • mommyingmaars July 07, 2017 04.01 am

    So spot on! Oh man. Do I ever relate to this more often than sometimes. ? especially right Now, my husband has been away for 2.5 weeks for work and it’s been chaos. He was gone in March too..and august – December. The constant annoyance of feeling trap but feeling guilty. Disciplining your children with only one man to stand in the rain when you viewed as the worst mom ever.. Oh boy! I mean just now I had to kick out my son out of my bed (he’s been keeping his dad’s side warm since he’s gone) because his little sister and him are just constantly fighting and he ended up pushing her off him and she got hurt. Well the little one stays in my bed she’s two. So one of them had to go and they had to be separated but the minute he walked out my room the guilt came over and I instantly felt bad. I’ve had a super hard day and I spent 5 mins crying while I put on a purifying mask because no damn mask is going to change my haggard look from the struggles of motherhood. Thanks for sharing!
    xo Maria | https://imommy.co

    Reply 
  • Paul Harvey July 07, 2017 11.09 am

    I hope my mom and wife are doing well with this “Trapped” feeling. Thank you for sharing this, at least now, I have an idea on what the women in my life actually feels.

    Reply 
  • Lynnette July 08, 2017 03.35 am

    Aww now I know how my cousin feels. She is a mom of two (2 years old and 4 months old) it doesn’t look or sound easy

    Reply 
  • Cassie Garcia July 08, 2017 04.12 am

    I can totally relate to this, and it’s amazing how hearing noise constantly can literally drive you nuts! Being a stay at home mom is so much harder than going to work each day honestly! Hang in there mama

    Reply 
  • Natasha July 08, 2017 05.18 am

    I’m so glad I saw your post, I have a blogpost in my draft about why my kids are in kindergarten and not at home with me, I was struggling of the choice if I was going post it or not because I don’t want people to think that I hate my child

    Reply 
  • toughcookiemommy July 08, 2017 02.19 pm

    Being a mom is such a hard job and adding working in the home or outside the home to that mix makes it even harder. We all love being moms but it can get overwhelming at times.

    Reply 
  • Amanda Love July 09, 2017 01.57 am

    Honestly I thought it was just me. I never knew other moms who felt the same way until the started posting like you did right now. It’s really important to squeeze in some me time to keep us from feeling trapped.

    Reply 
  • Joleen Pete July 10, 2017 01.04 am

    You’re doing great, Mama! 🙂

    Reply 
  • Kecia | From Mom’s Desk July 10, 2017 01.55 pm

    I have definitely felt that trapped feeling that you are describing here. As a work at home mom, it is difficult to get away from the “office” sometimes. Between work, family, the home, and life itself – it can get very NOISY! I need to take more time to just enjoy silence.

    Reply 
  • Veronica P. July 12, 2017 06.41 am

    I work from home for two years already and I feel trapped so often! I don’t have children yet, but I think I can feel a little of what you feel!

    Reply 
  • Kelly Travis November 14, 2017 06.04 pm

    This was the best article I’ve read in a while. You found the words that I struggled to find for years. Forwarding this post to my husband, maybe he will finally understand (haha!)

    Reply 

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