October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and after everything we’ve gone through to be parents, this is a month that’s close to my heart.
Unfortunately, my body and I have had different views on fertility.
After seven pregnancies that resulted in two, living, breathing children, this month is a reminder that our family really looks completely different than most people see it.
After seven pregnancies that resulted in two, living, breathing children, this month is a reminder that our family really looks completely different than most people see it.
The loss that impacted me the most was that of our stillborn son, Alexander. June 19, 2011, the day he died, a part of me died too. The work it takes out of you to just breathe after an experience like that cannot be matched. My emotions suffocated me in grief. Nothing was great, good or even just okay. It all just was. And it was like that for a very long time. There was no joy.
Today, I have joy in my life on a daily basis thanks to my rainbow babies. Today, I can see beauty in leaves falling from trees, the sun shining through clouds and even the mess from the toys scattered all throughout my living room. I can see the life.
Though the further we move away from the days surrounding Alexander’s death and birth, the more cloudy the moments become.
Today I remember them like a dream, or nightmare, I had once upon a time. The moments blend together like the rain blends together when it is falling fast and hard, almost creating a physical barrier between you and whatever lies ahead, or in this case, behind. I have pictures of him thanks to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, but I rarely look at them anymore with the exception of one we have in the living room. I have a blanket that he was wrapped in in the hospital that is now tucked away in a closet. I slept with it for months. I have tokens and trinkets given to me by the hospital. Most of them are also now tucked away.
I have his hospital stats burned into my brain – He was 1 lbs 9 oz, 12.5 inches long and born at 2:18 p.m. on Monday, June 20, 2011.
The one thing I didn’t have was a reminder of the way he felt and I honestly can’t remember the way he felt in my arms. You only get to hug them for moments whereas most people get a lifetime. We had an afternoon and one night before we let him go. About three years ago, around this exact time, I was given a reminder about what it felt like to hold my baby and I’m eternally grateful for it.
Just before Alexander’s I signed up for Molly Bears, weighted teddy bears that are created by Bridget Crews, who lost her daughter Molly in the 34th week of pregnancy. She created Molly Bears to help her grieve and in the process, began a non-profit that has helped thousands of families since. You can read more about her story here.
Here is my handsome Alexander Bear weighing 1 lb 9 oz.
The moons on my Alexander Bear were a special request. Molly Bears tries to personalize each bear a bit. When I was pregnant with Alexander, I bought a box light for his bedroom that says, “I love you to the moon and back.” When he died, we decided to have that message on his headstone and I’ve always felt more connected looking up at the moon. It is my constant reminder of my sweet boy and now with more than six years since he died, I struggle to find him in everyday life.
I don’t think of him everyday and I’m ashamed to admit that. Life moves ahead though, even when you want it to stop. But my Molly Bear reminds me each time I see him sitting in my office. It reminds me to see him and allows me to feel him in my arms even though I’ll never hold him again.
If you have been touched by the loss of a child, or know someone who has, Molly Bears has multiple ways you can donate and help. To order an actual bear, you have to get on the waiting list, which is open on the 30th of each month. There is a small (very small) donation fee for the bear and then it takes a few months for the team to fulfill the orders. But, it’s worth the wait.
I am sorry for your loss, but love the idea of these bears to help moms heal from their losses. It’s a beautiful gesture.
Beautiful post. I have lost two pregnancies myself so this hits close to home.
Love these bears! I suffered my first miscarriage last year after three healthy pregnancies. It was scary and heartbreaking.
I am so very sorry for your loss and your story touches me deeply. This is my biggest fear when it comes to having children. You are so strong and I admire your perverseness. What a lovely company Molly Bears is!
I’m truly sorry for what you’ve been through. I’m sure it took a lot of courage to share your story and doing so will help so many other people who have experienced the loss of a child. Thank you for bringing awareness to this important subject. The Molly Bears look so plush – I appreciate you sharing about them.
I think Molly bears is such a great concept. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have a stillborn child. But I’ve talked to people who’ve gone through it and I know it is heart wrenching. Anything that can bring comfort, even in just feeling connected to others who’ve gone through it, is a good thing.
I can not even imagine what you and so many others have gone through. I am so sorry that there are so many rainbow babies. My best friend also gave birth to a still born baby, far too early. I remember how she felt and looked for a very long time after that. These Molly Bears are a wonderful remembrance of your baby, and so many others.
I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve never experienced anything like that, but my best friend lost her son at a year old in 2013 and ever since then I’ve looked for anything that can help her with her grief. I’m glad Molly Bears exist to help other.
These are such great ways to commemorate your rainbow babies. It’s a loss that never leaves us and will always be on our hearts.
I cannot even imagine what you’ve been through. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.
This sounds like a lovely memoir for your baby. That baby will always be remembered and it’s just nice that you have something to hug and hold.
I am beyond sorry for your loss. While I have never experienced something like this, I first read about these when a friend of mine lost her baby and how it was a great way to help her cope with grief. I wish you the best during this tough time and send you tons of love.
I’ve heard of Molly Bears before and I think they are doing amazing things to help families heal after such a traumatic experience. I’m sorry for the loss you suffered and I know there a lot of people who would be struggling and benefit from reading your story xx
Oh wow. What a wonderful representation for what precious baby you lost. Hugs, I am glad you found this bear!
What an amazing idea. We had a late pregnancy loss, and I would have loved to have had something like this.
This is such a beautiful idea . I am sorry for all the loss and struggle you and your family have endured ! ❤️
My close friend just lost his son that was stillborn. This is a good idea for moms going through this kind of pain.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have gone through a loss like that. I am lucky I haven’t had to experience that. The molly bear is a wonderful concept in remembering a rainbow baby <3
I am so sorry for your loss, but I appreciate you sharing this. I think I want to get one of these for my sister for my nephew she lost 16 years ago.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I love the bears, It’s a beautiful sentiment and something you can always treasure.
OH Rachel, your heart is so beautiful. These bears are such a sweet memory keeper.
What an amazing company. Thank you for sharing your story as well as this company so that others can heal,
We have a gorgeous Molly Bear for my son. Ours weighs 6 lbs 14 oz, so we have to be really careful when his little brother tries to carry it around- it’s much heavier than you might expect! Thinking of you as 10/15 approaches!
These are so sweet, and such a perfect way to remember little ones that we have lost. I have a few friends who would love to know about these.
These make such a beautiful and meaningful gift. So many women have suffered the loss of a baby and wanting to hold that sweet on in their arms.
This is such a sweet idea and a wonderful way to remember lost babies.
I’m so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful way to be able to remember that moment of holding your little one.
I’m so sorry you went through this loss! I can only imagine what it’s like. This bear seems like a nice way to remember.
This bear is so sweet and comforting. My nephew was born stillborn and buried in my grandparents back yard. Angel babies are so special!
http://www.therookiewife.com
This is one of the sweetest things. I hope cuddling that bear brings a little comfort to you. I am sorry for your loss.
Oh hun I am so sorry to hear about Alexander 🙁 No parent should ever have to lose their child and I can’t imagine the pain you went through. The Molly Bears is a wonderful organisation and I am so happy that it memorializes parents rainbow children. I’m sure Alex is very proud of you x
I am truly touched by your story. I’m crying right now.. There can’t be anything more tragic in this life than the loss of our beautiful children and I can scarcely imagine the pain you must feel your heart. I’m glad god gave you two wonderful babies to help mend the whole that must have surely been left behind. These molly bears are such a kind thought. I know someone who lost their 6 month old child due to pneumonia 2 weeks after the birth of my daughter. Their loss still cripples my heart. Thanks for sharing this. God bless you.
This is so sad, and I am very sorry for your loss. Reading this made me cry, especially where you talk about the amount of effort that it took for you to breathe. I can’t imagine going that pain. Thank you for sharing this and most of all having the strength to share it.
thrifting diva
http://www.thriftingdiva.com
These bears are wonderful for grieving parents. I can’t imagine going through an actual birth and then losing your baby. I miscarried between my two daughters and it was an awful experience. Hugs to you and your family.
I can’t imagine what it feels like to loose a child. Having a Molly Bear sounds like it brings some comfort to your heart. This is such a lovely idea for grieving families.
I love this idea. We had a miscarriage before our son. And it was the hardest thing ever. I need to check this out.