Miscarriage When You’re An Optimist: The Dangers Of Greener Grass

I try to be a positive person. I think it’s a good quality to look at the bright side of situations. I learned to do this at a young age but I recently started to see the danger in this.

In high school and college, I volunteered at a local homeless shelter and went on mission trips. I didn’t intentionally begin the comparison game. I thought it was a way of being grateful for what I had been given. When I saw other kids with something I didn’t have I found comfort in thinking, “at least I have ‘X’, a lot of kids don’t have that.”

I continued to use this as a way of seeing any difficult situation I went through, taking comfort in it being better than it could be. It wasn’t until recently that I began to see the harm in comparing. I thought as long as I was trying to see the bright side of a situation it was fine.

Last year we decided we were ready to try for our second child. We were lucky enough to get pregnant and couldn’t have been more excited. Unfortunately, I miscarried our baby at nine weeks.

It was a horrible few days leading up to the day I actually had the miscarriage. My best friend’s father passed away from cancer that Friday. His memorial service was held three days later on what would have been his 57th birthday.

I realized what was happening to me by 10 a.m. the day of his service and called my doctor to see if they could do an ultra sound. I stopped at the doctor’s office on my way to the service. They couldn’t find a heartbeat. My mind began to spin with all of the things that could have been. I started to focus on the things I thought would bring me comfort. I was ONLY nine weeks pregnant. We hadn’t told our friends and family yet. Of course the biggest one was, that I would stand next to my best friend while she mourned the death of her father. That was a REAL loss.

I loved her dad. He was funny and kind and always made me feel welcome at their home. She and I have been friends since we were in 7th grade. I imagined how horrible it would be to lose my own father. I spent the day with my friend and cried for her loss.

As the weeks passed I tried to focus on how much worse my situation could have been. I thought this would help me get over it quickly. I was wrong. Instead, what I did was minimize my own feelings and convince myself that I was being silly to be so upset. I tried not to talk about my loss, even with my husband.

We were able to get pregnant again and had a healthy, sweet baby girl. I feel so lucky to have her. I was surprised to find though that it didn’t erase the sadness of losing the other baby. I felt that I had robbed myself of the chance to mourn that loss. By focusing on how much worse it could have been I didn’t allow myself to actually feel sad. Instead I began to feel an odd guilt for the sadness I couldn’t push away.

I talked through my loss with a friend a few weeks ago and finally was able to express why it was so hard. I have prayed to be a mom and known I wanted children my whole life. When I saw the positive pregnancy test last year, in that instant I knew it was the baby I had prayed for and waited for. I could see the life I dreamed that baby would have. When I miscarried it wasn’t just a few weeks of thinking I was pregnant, it was the years of waiting, the planning for our family, the image of the family we would have that I lost.

This is one of many events in my life that I talked myself out of feeling the emotions I was actually experiencing. I don’t want to be a wreck over every sadness but I believe that I can find more of a balance. Finding the best in a bad situation can be good, but allowing myself to experience the sorrows of life are important too.


  1. I am very sorry for your loss…. you will always have a place in your heart for that baby even if you lose it very early and didn’t have a chance to meet. It simply wasn’t meant to be. Hugs and kisses. Stay positive!

  2. Girl, this is SO good. I’ve had two miscarriages. Ironically, my Doctor said the most profound thing to me. He said, “Sophie, people will tell you that another baby will just makes this easier or that it wasn’t really a death, but it is and it’s OKAY to grieve. We won’t know this side of heaven why this stuff happens, but don’t feel for a second like you shouldn’t grieve this.” It meant SO much to me. Did it make it easier? No. But sometimes just calling something what it is helps. Hugs! I am so sorry.

  3. As someone who has suffered the loss of two miscarriages, I can see how harmful trying to minimize it could be and how tempting. I didn’t know how to cope. There are so many feelings to deal with and people just don’t want to talk about it. I am very sorry for you loss.

  4. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I haven’t experienced that loss, but I too try to be optimistic and what you say is so wise…not processing all those feelings is detrimental in the long run. Good luck finding the balance in life.

  5. I am so sorry for you loss. I too have recently lost a long-time friend. Having a miscarriage on top of that and having the doctor make that remark was just cruel. I am sorry you had to go through that.

  6. I’m so sorry for your loss. I, too, experienced the same kind of scenario. It is really gut wrenching to think about the baby that never was, especially looking at the baby that you do have.

    My SIL is a nurse assistant. She told me that when you miscarry, it just means something wasn’t right. And even though that little bit of information seems so small and insignificant, I repeated it to myself over and over again and prayed. And I finally carried myself through all the hurt.

    I’m so glad you let yourself experience the sorrow you needed to, and you shared your story.

  7. comparison game is hard. Miscarriage is so sad and I am sorry you lost something you had room in your life for. Your last sentence wraps up all my feelings when it comes to comparing and life.

  8. I went through a miscarriage before my son was born too. I’m usually the optimist, but during the months afterwards…I wasn’t. It takes a long time to heal emotional from one and I honestly think in some ways I never will. Thank you for sharing your journey.

  9. I loved this perspective. I myself have never miscarried but have also experienced loss. It is okay to be positive, but not to the point where you don’t allow yourself to mourn. Beautifully written

  10. So sorry. And thank you for opening up about this. It’s a conversation that more women need to have and acknowledge more often. My friend recently had a miscarriage as well and is still going through a very rough period mentally and emotionally because of it. My heart breaks for anyone who experiences this.

  11. I am so sorry you had to deal with this pain. I can’t imagine. I think sharing is so good for women in general. Something that everyone used to hide can now be shared with others.

  12. I am so sorry for your loss my dear. It is always painful to go through losing a child and we all deal with it different because we are all different kinds of people 🙁

  13. I’m sorry you had to go through the pain of losing a child. I think you’re brave for sharing your story. It’s never easy to talk about but it does help to talk about it, especially for something as painful as this.

  14. This is a very heartfelt post. I think we all have a slightly different outlook on life and find it hard to adapt. I’m quite the pessimist and often see the negatives over the positives. I’m glad you’re finally able to deal with your loss and begin to heal.

  15. I’m so sorry for your loss. A miscarriage is hard regardless of how great all other aspects of your life are or if you’re not experiencing hardships like those around you. I actually had a miscarriage shortly after I voiced growing up not wanting children of my own. My very close friends then said it wasn’t a big deal because I never wanted children to begin with. What a horrific thing to say.

  16. Having a miscarriage is one of the most horrible things a woman can go through. By sharing your story you are making it okay for others to take about theirs and express their feelings of loss.

  17. I am sorry to hear of your experience. My best friend had more than one miscarriage. I cannot imagine what she went through deep down inside. Now, she has three, happy healthy kiddies and I am so happy for her.

  18. Losing a baby is so hard and grieving is perfectly natural and important for healing. I lost a baby last year to an ectopic pregnancy and I will always carry that with me. So sorry for your loss.

  19. I’m so sorry, my heart breaks for anyone who has been through this. And I have so much admiration for those who are able to share their story to help others going through the same difficulty.


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