Once upon a time, I grew up in a small neighborhood where my parents were friends with our neighbors – actual friends, not just acquaintances.
We’d have cookouts and sit on each other’s back porches for hours. I babysat their kids. They told my mom I was shaving my legs and introduced me to pot stickers with soy sauce. I figured that my little brother (who couldn’t have been more than 7 at the time) would marry their daughter, a precocious 5-year-old that made him a bit crazy.
Then they moved away, and things were never really the same. Still though, I have those few years burned into my memory and hold them up as a shining example of what friendships should look like as a parent.
I blame them for giving me unrealistic parent friendship expectations.
As a mother myself now, I realize that making parent friends is really freaking hard. And, even if we remove the husbands from the equation, I think we can all agree that trying to make mom friends is the worst.
So why is that? Why is it so difficult for neighbors to take the next step? Why can’t we move on from waving high to one another as we drive down the street to sharing some Mu Shu Pork around a table?
I believe it starts with the moms and I’ve noticed it’s a lot like dating.
(Side note: I was horrible at dating. Just ask the three mom friends that have known me since I’ve been 12/13. They will all tell you I always picked the worst people, fell too hard and too fast and ended up heartbroken.)
Applying this same approach to making mom friends is the best way to look at it. You both have to be interested in being friends and feel a connection.
It can help if your children are friend’s but sometimes that’s just added pressure too. It’s like when you hung out with a group of people in high school and everyone was expected to pair up. The group is now your children.
You really have to want it to take the next step and go out together without the kids. And when you introduce the husbands, that’s when you know it’s the real deal.
Sometimes I’m really nervous to introduce my husband to people too. He is a solid introvert and has no desire to step outside his comfort zone to meet people. He doesn’t believe he needs friends. He has one friend he used to work with whom he sees once a year, a friend a few towns over that we haven’t seen in 6 years that he used to play soccer with and a friend in Texas who he met while playing video games. Those are the only real relationships he bothers to keep up, if you could even call it that.
I, on the other hand, am in extroverted introvert. I don’t require a lot of people to be happy but I do need “my people,” a group of people I am close to that I can make a fool out of myself in front of without fear of judgement. I can muster a bit of sparkle in a large group but generally I prefer to twinkle from the sidelines. I’m a wallflower at its finest, but I crave having additional wallflowers to spend time with.
With these simple facts in mind, I’m the one that always has to take the leap to find friends. Since I’m not exactly a shining beacon of fun and excitement, I’m not sure I’m the best representative, but I’m all we’ve got.
Just like dating, I don’t really have high standards. I just want to be able to wear no make-up around you, eat food you won’t make me feel guilty about and feel comfortable enough to wear yoga pants that might show an underwear line or two. If you want to do the same, I’m good.
I haven’t really been successful yet in finding my people. I thought when my daughter went to school I would meet some mom friends – and I have made some acquaintances – but we’re still in the text only phase of these relationships.
As I mentioned I have three mom friends in this state that have known me since I before I really hit puberty. We don’t live close enough, or have kids on compatible schedules, to hang out on a regular basis. However, they’ve all seen me naked at various ages throughout my life so I feel comfortable admitting that we’re in long-term, committed friendships. They’re cool with my mom bod, adult acne and decaying sense of style and I’m cool with their’s too.
So, while I had visions of having these perfect, parent friends who live around the corner, maybe I’m just a little too awkward to make a real friend in forced social situations. Maybe I should just be happy with my handful of true, lifetime friends and just stop looking for more.
Or maybe I should just let it happen naturally. That’s what they always say when looking for Mr. Right, right?
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It is so hard for me to make new friends. I have a fairly bold personality and a lot of times people don’t know how to take me and my sarcasm, so I just keep to myself a lot.
This is true! See, my problem is I’m an introvert so I prefer not to leave my home. I will once in a while though, but sometimes I just don’t have the energy to see or make friends.
I’ve never thought of it like that before, but it’s so true. There should be an online app for moms to make friends like there are dating apps. Maybe it would make things easier. LOL
I remember those times and I sure miss them. In fact even though I am grown we are still friends with those neighbors and see them when my dad visits. I wish it was that way now as my son needs to see parents interacting with other parents.
Most of my friends are longtime friends that don’t live in the same state. My three daughters are grown and we all tend to hang out together and I’ve known my very best friend since I was 5 and we talk and text often. So no, no neighbor friends – just smiles and waves. It’s kinda sad, right?
I know and interact with many women all the time. Many of them I call friends. A select few I call close friends. Takes work and time to find a really close friend.
I love my mom friends, we are all different and share so much. While I have been married for 30+ years I court my ladies whenever we go out
Can one be a social introvert? I hate to leave my house but when I do, I have a blast! I have made good friends wherever we go, so I totally agree with you on this!
This is definitely right on! When I was a kid we knew all of our neighbors. To this day I can still name each neighbor that lived right down the street for me. Nowadays it’s very difficult to find anything like that. I wish I had close friends like I did when I was a kid.
I am with you. Making mom friends is just so very hard. It is like dating and it always feels forced in some ways. My closest friendships happened organically but they don’t always work out that way.
Having recently lost two of my best friends – lifelong friends – I can relate to this perspective. Some of us just click while others notsomuch. You have to hang out a few times to really see if it’s a match. So yep, it’s kinda like dating.
Having recently lost two of my best friends – lifelong friends – I can relate to this perspective. Some of us just click while others notsomuch. You have to hang out a few times to really see if it’s a perfect match. So yep, it’s kinda like dating.
This is a great post – I can’t imagine what it is like making Mum friends. I find it hard enough to make normal friends and even date haha!
I’ve always struggled to get a group of mom friends because I don’t get a lot of opportunities to network with other moms. It’s great to be able to do so because we have so much in common as moms.
I couldn’t agree with you more that it is so difficult to make new friends. There are circles of gals that don’t want to let you in, there are circles of gals who want to hear all about the new gal and then they still won’t let you in. ☺
It’s so funny, my hubby and I are the opposite of you and your husband. I’m very introverted and feel zero need to make friends, whereas he’s Mr. popularity. It does help to be with friends with other moms from my kids’ school though… better to be in good graces!
This is so true it’s funny! haha I actually haven’t made any new “mom” friends though but luckily all my friends are moms so we’re all basically on the same boat. Just different stages.
Finding the right tribe, in any niche resembles dating, these are some great tips. I find the older I get the harder it is to push myself to build new connections. My bowling league has been great for that.
As a military spouse, I feel like this is a battle I fight every couple of years. We fall hard and fast because we know we’re going to move in two or three years. The heartbreak of saying goodbye to those you’ve done life with begins to cripple you…that is, until you realize you’re moving to a new post with a friend you left two tours ago. It’s an emotional cycle, for sure.
This is so true! And if you move to a new place when the kids are a bit older, all the other mums already know each other so it’s harder to become friends with them…
I am an introvert when it comes to social occasions and find mom chit chats very draining so I have never bothered to make mom friends even though their kids and mine, do sleepovers, parties and other socials.
Oh my god I could have written this! This is so true and so what Im dealing with
I can definitely understand these challenges. I think it’s always good to be open and friendly with others even if you’re happy with your current group of friends.
I agree with you! Interesting post. Love the bit about not wanting to wear make up and to chill in yoga pants!
Oh Gish, making friends as an adult is so hard! I can see how one could relate it to dating! Great post!
It really is funny how many similarities there are in this. So glad I got to read it!
Really cute post! I think society has changed and there’s less civic engagement and personal interactions as well as more commuting and technology. It seems that everyone is busy, so finding the time to befriend your kids’ Moms does seem like something that requires extra effort. I think you should continue exploring this topic!
I love making mom friends… It kind of does feel like dating because you have to make sure your personalities mesh well. The kids will get along as well.
Making mom friends is so hard. I tried when my daughter was little with her best friend’s mom but that didn’t really work.
I really enjoyed reading your post. Loved the tips you’ve provided. I’ve met a lot of my good friends from the kiddos playing sports.
It is so hard to find mom friends these days. I swear, I feel like I am in school all over again trying to choose who I want to associate with. It is tough!
I LOVED reading this! I don’t have kids, so it’s a neat perspective that us non-moms don’t really think about! And yes- naturally sounds like a great plan!
It’s kind of true. It took me a long time to find my bestie. Lots of acquaintances made until I found her.
It’s totally true. You worry about what you say and how you act, awkward silences and all.
oh my goodness you just described me, love this line: “I can muster a bit of sparkle in a large group but generally I prefer to twinkle from the sidelines. I’m a wallflower at its finest, but I crave having additional wallflowers to spend time with.”
Yaaaass! Same girl, same. I don’t have any kiddos yet, but I recently moved and I’m missing my wallflower squad:(
Making mom friends is definitely hard. I’m not sure why, but it really is hard to break into groups. It seems like everyone is already friends with everyone else.
It was SO hard for me to make new friends as a MOm, but I definitely found my people. It just took a few years and I think is ever-evolving.
Oh I am such an introvert, so making friends is hard for me period. When kids are in the mix I know it will be even worse! This post could definitely have been written by future mom me.
I’m so glad I found this. I am such an introvert and we just moved. I don’t have kids, but I am struggling to find friends. I don’t know really how, so this is great.
My husband and I don’t have one couple friend together. I have many acquaintances but very few true close friends. I don’t believe a personal can have a ton of best friends.
I absolutely agree with you. I feel like I’m interviewing people for the friends position sometimes. It’s so tough having the right friends as a mom.
Having moms friends is important because you have a group of people who understand what you’re going through on a daily basis. It’s not easy to find those people that you’ll get along with but I do hope you find them someday!
It is sad that our neighbors nowadays are so different than back then. We are blessed to have a few neighbors that we are close with but not all are friendly.
I totally have a hard time opening up to people and making friends. It certainly is a lot like dating to find those friends that last a long time.
This article truly does give you a new perspective! The importance of mom friends is emphasised very less, these days.