When my husband and I moved into our house almost six years ago we moved in with all our dreams and unpacked all our hopes.
We dreamed of having a big family once upon a time, or at least what we considered big. Three kids. We wanted three.
Our house has four bedrooms. We purposely wanted that many so each kid would have a little place of their own here.
We wanted a big yard. Check.
We wanted a nice neighborhood. Check.
We wanted a good school system. Check.
We made all those things happen so we could build the life we had planned.
But, like so often in life, there are so many things that have happened that have been unplanned. Just because we bought a house that would fit three children didn’t mean three children would live here. There were some things we just couldn’t make happen no matter how hard we tried.
By the time we moved in here, I had already had two miscarriages. We still had hope though and continued to try. We still believed that this house would hold our family.
I became pregnant for the third time in January 2011. Our first son, Alexander, was born on June 20, 2011 at 25 weeks and 3 days. He was stillborn. He died the day before on Father’s Day.
Altogether I have been pregnant seven times and said goodbye to five babies. This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. This month I remember all those babies – the one I kissed goodbye and the ones I never had a chance to hold.
To all those women out there who have also had to say goodbye, this month is not just for those babies you lost but it is also for you. Give yourself permission to grieve them, give yourself permission to love them and find peace with the loss even if you will never accept it. You are forever changed, but you can learn to be you again.
For all my planning in life, there are some things I just can’t “make” happen. Our last bedroom is unoccupied and will stay that way. There will never be three children that live here. Our family is complete with two children in our arms and five in our memories. Today we have learned how to live despite having lost so much.
While we may not have been able to fill all our bedrooms, we have been able to fill our hearts with love and create a beautiful family to live here. This house may not be what we originally envisioned, but it is still be the perfect home for the family we built.