The Lies You Tell Yourself After Having a Miscarriage

Miscarriage.  It’s one of the most common forms of pregnancy loss, but it’s difficult to talk about.

If you’ve ever had one, the word alone brings you right back to that moment. The moment that you felt motherhood was robbed from you. The moment that you went temporarily insane.

There are so many thoughts that go through a woman’s mind after a miscarriage. You become a prisoner to your own mind. There is strength and beauty in healing. However, these thoughts often prevent healing and the ability to move forward. Here a few lies you may have told yourself after a miscarriage:




You Shouldn’t Have Told Anyone

You may have just announced your pregnancy. You feel embarrassed that you have to share this horrible news. You may wish you had never told your close friends and family about the miscarriage. The pain is too much to bear and you wish you could bear it alone.

As difficult as it may have been to discuss the miscarriage, having the support of your loved ones is what will pull you through.

It’s Not Meant to Be

You tell yourself that motherhood just isn’t in the cards for you. That it’s meant for others, but not for you. The pain of the miscarriage is compounded by this lie. Miscarriages are common, and they aren’t your fault. Just because it didn’t work out this time, doesn’t mean that motherhood is not a possibility.

You Should be Content with your Current Child(ren)

This lie is often uttered by strangers or family who are trying to console you. They think that if they remind you of the blessing(s) that you already have, it will someone soothe the pain.

Anyone who has suffered a miscarriage after having children knows that no child could ever replace the other. Remember that people are searching–searching for ways to ease your pain. They want to help, and they will sometimes say insensitive things. Don’t take these things personally.

You Need to Grieve Alone

This is a lie I told myself. Even when my mom came in town to be with me, I tried to sneak off and cry by myself. I felt like I was a burden to her, even though she was there to help me. I was tired of seeing pity from people and I was embarrassed.

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Even when I returned to work, I put a fake smile on my face most days and lied about how I was doing. Some days the façade was almost more than I could bear.




When I opened up to other moms, I realized that I wasn’t alone! There were many other people who had been in my shoes. I also realized that maybe I had misjudged a few people.

Sometimes being alone is a good idea. It helps you to reflect and grieve privately. However, grieving a lot for an extended period of time can lead to depression and can be unhealthy.

You Are a Burden on Others

Most women I know are fiercely independent. They take pride in caring for their homes and families. Having a miscarriage rocks your world. Everything gets put on hold as you fight to keep it together. If people want to help you by bringing meals, offering to clean, or keeping your kids, don’t deny them.

You are not a burden on others. They wouldn’t ask if they didn’t want to help. Don’t steal their blessing because of your pride.

I Should Distance Myself from My Partner

This one is a doozy. It’s tough at times because he is suffering too, just not in the same way you are. Remember, you carried the baby and you have all the emotional & physical ties to the baby. Not only is he sad because he’s lost the baby, but he’s also sad because he’s grieving for you. Let him comfort you.

He wants to fix the situation and may wonder why you’ve been fine for weeks, and then break down out of the blue.

He may want to initiate sex, but you’re not in the mood. You’re afraid of rejecting him, but feel like you are too sad to move forward. You also fear getting pregnant again. Talk to him about how you’re feeling. Intimacy may just mean holding each other for a while.

Be patient in the process and use this time to draw closer, not push him away.


About the Author

Diedre Anthony
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3 Comments

  • Keff February 22, 2017 02.26 am

    Good article Diedre. Im very sorry that you lost your baby. I think that using your personal experiences to help other people is very brave and very kind.

    Reply 
    • Diedre February 22, 2017 03.28 pm

      Thanks Keff for your kind words. I hope this is helpful to others.

      Reply 
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